I wanted to seriously die at the beginning of this year (sophmore in high school). Everything was going wrong, my mom and i were constantly fighting, every thing felt wrong. I didn't feel like I could ever fit in where ever i was.
I went to Dare2Share in denver in 2007, and stellar kart played the song me and jesus, i heard the story of the one girl, and it sounded just as i felt and did. i was always sad, never happy. my friend told me constantly to perk up, but i was too stubborn to listen. i wanted people to hear me out: i am who i am and i dont want to change. i guess i kinda did have to change from a poutty puss to a somewhat happy person. when stellar kart started to sing that song, i didn't want to listen, i just wanted to reject god and not ever listen to what he might have to say. my friend sat next to me and with her very off pitch voice, started to sing the song right in my ear very loud, she wanted it to stick. it helped.
to be completely honest, the thursday night before, i wrote my friend a poem, almost like a suicide letter. she told me to snap out of it immediately becuase she didn't want to deal with another friend thinking of suicide. she talked me out of it, and i thank god to this day for her being around.

i want to let everyone know, friends and GOD are the best support people ever. if you are thinking of suicide, stop now, or you will regret a decision maybe. the poem i wrote is very personal to me, but i want to share to the world how i felt, and let it out, not just keep it all in, well, here it is:

These 15 years have gone by slow
I want them to come to an end.
This nightmare that is soo long
Needs to stop somewhere

I want to wake up in a place
Thank is all caring, all pleasing
It would be the most wonderful place,
Heaven, set my place.

Who knows if there is a Heaven.
Who knows if there is a Hell
I want to end up where ever...
My life as I know it is Hell.

He nags and nags
I ignore and ignore
He makes me want to die,
Even more now than ever.

I love all my friends...
My funeral will be sad.
I want it to come,
But I would be soo sad.

He is leaving,
Who knows his return,
I'll miss him, I'll love him
To the very end.

I no longer cry at his absence,
It has been 13 years,
13 seconds can't hurt.
He will end up hurt.

I want more love
I want more hope.
Depression, and I am finding out
Hurts, hurts, hurts.

Keep me close
Keep me tight,
Pray that I will make it,
Through the night.

I want to go home,
To God.
The only one I feel understands me.
I want to be love, with the eternal love.

I try to get better,
But I only feel like I fail more.
I love you,
And I want you to know:

If I die, you love me the most, you care for me the most. We fight but the fights help me get through all the shit in my life. I want this nightmare to end. I want to be gone. Not seeing you, not going to church, living at home make my life a living hell. I want you to know, I will not go, not quite yet... when my time comes... I'll let you know..............

wow, that poems deep....
and ur right- God and friends r the best support...

i know exactly how you feel/felt. when i was an 8th grader my best friend or ex best friend was a freshman...we didnt talk and i had no friends. i felt there was nothing left for me to live for..i had an eating disorder because i was harrased about being fat and ugly...i used to si (self injure) because it seemed to be my only escape. i remember it got to the point where i really wanted to not be here.
i got my fathers handgun and loaded it...i had it in my room in my hand sitting on my bed...my windows were open and i had the gun almost to my head till a burst of wind blew a picture of me and my grandpa right into my lap.
i started bawling and i put the gun down and cried for 2 days.
the thoughts were still there and i got better.
my best friend however was like you..she went to church and stuff but hated life. she went to aquire the fire with me last year and saw stellarkart and they played wishes and dreams and that song describes her life...being in foster care all she has had was people who let her down. then they played me and jesus and i grabbed her hand and said you have me and jesus...at that moment she cried.
when they asked everyone to come forward to commit their life to God...she went. i started to cry beacuse she is happy now
she knows she has life ahead of her and that i will always be there for her.
she knows its not all about her and that God does care about everyone and not just himself.

I can see how you feel but I've never had thoughts of suicide..I had a friend though that I had to keep talking out of it...

yeah even if you have never had thoughts yourself its easlily understandable if you have a friend like you who has thought about it. for me it goes both ways...me and my friend had thoughts but we have eachother now and we are trying to stay postivie and happy!

my mom said that she had thought about it but im soo glad she didnt then i wouldnt be here.and aparently so did me dad.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: hawknelsonismyfriend,

Suicide is never a good thing or the solution to your problems. If you have trouble dealing with stuff you should always go to friends, parents, teachers or even a counselor to help you get through the tough stuff. I admit when I was having a hard time with life...I too thought about it. Then I realized that Jesus loves me too much. He wants me to live out my life here on earth. Taking my life would be taking me away from what he wants me to do. I'll only die when God calls me home to be with him. Not before then.

i think its moments like these that lead us closer to God- after i went through a depression stage- i met God for REAL for the first time, i think him pulling me out of that grew my relationship with him all that much more
this is what REALLY helps me: i have a friend that whenever eaither of us are feeling so low- that we'll talk to eachother- let it all out, it helps ALOT

they do.. i tried to die too
but it wouldnt work.
Now im all for Jesus.

im sorry- no offence but ur the most judgemental person ive met...a person should not be catagorized by what they go through in life, how they dress, who their friends are...but by WHO THEY ARE AND WHAT THEYVE OVERCOME...
im sorry but when i read that it bothers me that people so easily judge what they see in others...when they fail to see whats going on themselfs- and most of all let me guess u dont dress in skinny jeans or what "emo" ppl where, but what ppl catorgorize as "preppy"
im sorry to sound harsh but yeah when ppl judge, it bugs me- and if u fight me on this...ill fight back...because im sure ppl on here will agree wth me

ok sorry i did not mean it to be like that i will go deleat that post ok? sorry plz forgive me

ur totally forgiven- its just that pet peeve you know? i just hate ppl that judge...idk i just bothers me, im sorry i have a bad habit of speaking to much of my mind

tis ok my mom does it all the time i am used to it