This doesn't really have anything to do with Desperate Housewives, I just thought it made a clever subject title...

Kiersten, the military (which branch are you looking at?) can be a really wonderful place. I know this because I've spent some time in it myself. Commissioned into the chaplain's program at age 35 as a lowly (say "lowly," one more time) lieutenant with stretch marks. One of only seven women in a class of 90 for 12 weeks at Fort Jackson, which God knows, is the hottest place in United States during the summer. There's no logical explanation for the heat, it's just, well, darn it, hot! And the fire ants don't have hills there, they just crawl around on top of the ground. Some say hell itself is located directly underneath Fort Jackson. I earnestly believe them.

In the military, you will be provided with physical, mental, emotional and spiritual challenges. If you like being challenged and are detail oriented like making sure your pins are straight, you enjoy the smell of black shoe polish and subsequently cleaning it out from under your nails on a daily basis, as well as the many, many, many friends you will make that will be your, "family," for as long as you're serving, and beyond, then it's worth looking into. If you are a morning person, which I am not, so much the better. If you do not have problems with authority and won't mind being treated like absolute trash for about 4 weeks of your life (it gets better after the first four weeks) then you'll be fine. If, like me, you have long, wavy hair that does it's own thing, most of the time, you'll be using a lot of hair gel to slick down those, "fly aways" when you put your hair up in a bun every morning, even for PT. (that's "physical training" for the little ones.)

Grass drills, after running and jumping and climbing all summer, were the worst for me. An hour of strenous grass drills and I could barely lift my hair dryer or hold a pen in class afterwards.

You would be amazed, in a class full of chaplains, how much gas is shamelessly passed during PT. I'm sorry to report that the Pentecostals were the most aggressive about this habit although a few of the Reformed Presbyterians, feeling somewhat emboldened in this setting, were rapidly catching up with them.

My time in the USAR, while it has not ended the way I anticipated since I decided not to seek ordination after finishing my M.Div., and had another child recently, were some of the most meaningful experiences I've ever had and will always remember. If you're not sure what to do, a stint in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, etc. isn't a bad way to go. If you're thinking about college, it can help you make that a reality. Plus, you get cool discounts, Disney World for starters.

As to your, calling...

This becomes very complicated Kiersten. God may place several calls upon your life at different times according to His will and His purposes for you and others because it's never just about you, only. Or, God may issue just one call and you're set. It's really a case by case basis and there aren't any magic formulas to know for certain. The best any of us can do, after weighing it all out and checking our heart,gut, squaring it with scripture and church authority is say, "I feel God is calling me to such and such..." and whether or not it's confirmed in some way, who knows? Some folks are called to certain things that have terrible obstacles along the way, the kind of obstacles that would make most say, "Don't you think God is trying to tell you something...like don't do this?" But surprise, surprise, in spite of those obstacles, they are absolutely called to do what they're doing. Others may feel called, choose a course, have it easy-breezy in their endeavors but that doesn't mean necessarily, that God has called them at all. As to scripture, you can find tons for and against whatever it is you want to do. These are times and questions that in the end, no one can really answer, but you.

In terms of vocation, I have a call to ministry, however, after a time, my call to ministry came in direct conflict with my call to be a mother to my children, and I chose the latter which is why I decided against pursuing ordination in my denominational tradition at this particular time in my life after I graduated from seminary. I'm still, "called" to ministry, but how and where that plays out, isn't contingent upon one particular setting. I'm slated to do a little work at the college here where I live, and I will feel just as "called," teaching Old Testament Survey next spring, as I do tonight, waiting for the dryer to kick off so I can fold clothes and my 4 little ones have something to wear tomorrow. I do some devotional writing for a couple of area newspapers and feel called to that, but no more called than I do to, say, help my husband manage the inventory at his retail business. I strongly question -over the long haul- those who always claim to know exactly what God thinks and exactly what God wants at any particular time no matter how much chapter and verse they can put forth. To quote a little something Narnian here, "he is not a tame lion..." I don't think (and believe me, I've tried) God is very easy to manipulate.

The good news in this is that you, at your age, don't have to get tablets and carve in stone what and where you suspect God is calling you, and to tell you the truth, you may or may never know for sure. Funny thing, providence. There seems to always be a little room for doubt if you're going to grow in your relationship with God. What matters most, is being open, listening, discerning, and being willing to think outside the box, change plans, go in new directions, or stay in the same ones that drive you crazy because that's where God wants you. Even if you make the absolute wrong choice, God will still be faithful to you, still use your experiences for your good and the good of others, because that's the way God is, and will remain, through every phase of your life.

Pray about it, talk about it, chat about it here, talk to friends, family, pastors, etc., and pour over scripture and your own heart and motives. Somewhere in there, you'll most likely get the little nudge you need right now.

Sorry so long, but hope it helps. I think the clothes are dry...

Whew! And someone once said I could talk, lol. But you know whar Lucie, I think you havejust about covered everything and then some (the gas stuff) that I think Kiersten may have thought about or asked or was thinking to ask.

I have never been in the service,but I have several family members who still are and friends who was and is not. Each person's account is different and I guess you have to know that this is what you are called to do or at least have a strong desire to do it.

Like you said, pray about it and keep talking about it. And girl yes, the clothes are dry, the dinner is ready and several kids have made it through college, LOL.

Hi Kiersten,

Really, it was no trouble. We "nocturnals" don't consider typing terribly strenous. We writer-types don't either...

This is hard to wrap your mind around, but the choice is the Lord's and yours as well. No matter what faith tradition you're coming from -unless you're Islamic where most everything is destiny which wouldn't be unheard of but probably is unlikely since you're regularly supplying bubbly posts on a forum for a Christian singer- you've got some say in what you do. That's the beauty of a "relationship" with God. A lot of it, and the choices you make, are negotiable.

I had a situation a year or so ago, where I had to make a very, very, very, very, very, ad infinitum, difficult decision. I mean, the kind that would affect me and a whole bunch of other people in some very profound ways. As far as I could see, I had two clear choices and several other not variations of those two choices. And in my prayer time with the Lord, I knew He was saying to me, "You CAN -because you have free will- do this,('A') and I can understand why you would choose this and nothing between us is going to change if you do it. Or, 'B' you CAN do this other thing, and it will be extremely challenging too, but either way, this choice is completely yours. I think you know what my preference is but I'm going to be here regardless."

I chose, "B" by the way.

But I found the freedom in choosing, to be one of the most liberating experiences I've had spiritually. I was able to make my decision free of everything else, especially those two unwelcome guests, guilt and fear, that too often accompany us in our time with God.

You may not know it yet because this such a huge time in your life, but you have that same freedom. Whether you exercise it or not, that's up to you. But when you think about and pray about whether or not to run to or from the military (or anything else) don't feel afraid to sit down and logically write out the possibilities. If you do join, what do you anticipate will happen? If you don't join,
what's your alternative? What do you think suits your personality best? How about going and visiting and talking with folks in the military in the area you're interested in. Some people would say too much information is a pain in the neck. Others would say you set yourself up for an informed choice. But no matter what else, God will be with you through all of that, and if you're trying to do what God wants you to do, and you're not sure what that is, take your time.

I'd also suggest you spend some time in the book of Acts. One of my favorite stories comes from Acts 16 with Paul trying to go Asia.

Sorry again to be so wordy, but this subject is near and dear to me as I've spent 1/2 of my life trying to understand it and then live it. You're in the doorway of what will become your future.

Voting for Kiersten! (and then Pedro)

My apologies to the board for the length of this post...

quote:

Alright so you are saying that I can make any decision that I choose to make?

As Uncle Rico would say, "Right on."

Yes, you can make any choice you wish to make, including blatantly stupid ones, which I have often done, on numerous occasions. Because you want to make the choice that God wants you to make, this will make it a little more frustrating for you to try and figure out, as opposed to making the decision solely on your own intellect and desire, but it's not impossible and has many rewards along the way.

Let me ask you, if you don't mind, a couple of questions:

-You say joining-which you've already done but can get out of although the clock is ticking- is not your "passion." Okay, what is your passion? Do you know, yet? Do you have more than one?

-You said you had no "backing" by anyone, "financial or emotional" and you're pretty much on your own. By this did you mean that you were thinking of the military as a safety net of sorts in order to go to college and support yourself? Or did you mean that no one is supporting your decision to join the military and you're doing that alone? All of the above?

If you are, "on your own," as you say, there is nothing wrong with being cautious, having a plan, so to speak. I'm pretty sure that before Noah went to Home Depot to purchase the lumber and attractive bathroom fixtures to build the ark, he double-checked the measurements and took the time to account for all those unexpected things like the occasional piece of wood that's flawed and splits when you start hammering a nail through it. Having a goal, making a plan is a good thing. I've personally rarely done it, but it's still a good thing, and I experience it and its often vicariously because I married someone who is good at planning, and together, we make a complete person.

If you're "on your own," and are trying to figure out the best way to care for yourself down the road, the military has good solid benefits in terms of retirement and health care. If you want to go to college, the military can help make that happen without so much debt on your end. But a decent scholarship and campus work study programs can do the same thing.

If you're doing this, however, because you have a trust issue with God and God caring for you and providing for you, then back up a little and re-think it. Motives are very important when trying to discover the Lord's will. You're never going to search within yourself and find completely pure motives, but they factor in heavily in what becomes the right and wrong choice for each individual.

I want to hear more from you about this, but if you can stand it, I'll share with you a true story from my own life that you can also consider.

I dropped out/flunked out of college 4 times, and defaulted on student loans. I finally decided I was such a trainwreck, that I was going to be the only member of my immediate family who would never finish college, and I was so-so okay with that although my stern, Ph.D. father, was not. After bouncing from place to place for awhile, I moved to Nashville on a bit of a whimsical, "God told me to move here," type of thing, which I believe He did, to do the well-worn songwriter/minimum wage job routine. About 2 years into my Nashville experience -most of which I spent living like Anne Frank in an attic apartment where I prayed, read the Bible and wrote in a diary- I decided, because I was trying so hard to discover and do God's will, that what I was pursuing there -when I wasn't in the attic reading and praying and writing in this diary- wasn't really for me. I was pursuing something that I thought I should do because I could do it, only to discover that I really didn't like it and never had and all the church "networking"I saw my peers doing in order to make the right publishing connections, really really, really repulsed me. The whole scene just didn't suit my homebody, introverted personality at all.

After repenting for being such a dink, I made up my mind that I was, until I heard differently from the Lord- who seemed very distant at that point too- only going to do the things that I naturally liked to do and see where it led me in terms of vocation. I was of course, working, like H4J, a boring job, and eating and paying rent the rest of the time. The things I genuinely liked to do, when no one was looking, were thinking, reading, and writing, watching really good movies, listening to music, playing with my dog and that was it. Never was good at crafts. Can't sew either.

It also dawned upon me that the input of other Christians might be of some benefit as well. Since I really didn't know very many -because I'd long refused to go to hip churches and network- and was excruciatingly shy, I randomly selected a church because the company I worked for had them as a client and they were always nice on the phone, that turned out to be a big, busy church where I could just blend in anonymously until I worked up the nerve to join a small group or whatever, and make a friend or two.

Lucky for me, I met the senior pastor of this big, busy church the very first day I visited, and maybe it was because I was the same age as one of his children who'd dropped out of Auburn, or the Georgia connection we shared, I don't know, whatever the case, he took an interest in me and allowed me to freely borrow books from his personal library. And believe me, I started borrowing all the books I could carry. We'd discuss them for a few minutes each time I returned them.

The day I walked in ready to borrow John Calvin's, Institutes of the Christian Religion, the pastor made me sit down so that he could have a talk with me.

He said, "I don't have many young ladies coming in here borrowing and reading the types of books you're borrowing and reading. In fact, I don't have any. Do you realize that you're very bright?"

"Uh, no." I said, thinking of my dismal college experiences, those student loans and the numerous boyfriends I'd had over the years who'd frequently told me I was, in fact, hopelessly stupid.

"Well, you are and it's a gift from the Lord. You need to be in an environment where that gift is nurtured and encouraged. I want you to pray seriously about going back to college."

My heart plunged to the bottom of my feet like a big, ugly piece of concrete. I felt almost nauseated for a second. It was the last thing I wanted to do, and the last place I wanted to be. Not only that, but who would accept me? My GPA was so low, it was non-existent. And what about those pesky student loans? It just wasn't possible and it wasn't what I wanted to do. But I'd prayed. I'd waited. I'd said I was trying to figure out what God wanted me to do, and there it was.

Returning to college, without having to do any remedial work at a two-year college which I was expecting and dreading, was very possible. What I had to decide was where I was going to go and after several months I'd narrowed it down to two colleges, one in Nashville, and one in Georgia. If I stayed in Nashville, I'd have to work full-time and go to school full-time to make it happen. Since I tended to favor skipping class, this might not be the best scenario. If I went back to Georgia, it would be much easier because I had family there, a relative had just died leaving a free place for me to live two blocks from the college I was interested in, and after talking, praying, and being generally very neurotic about the whole thing, I left Tennessee which I didn't want to do because I loved it there, and came "home," to finish school at my mother's alma mater. Not only did I finish, I finished with honors and I loved every single, solitary second of it, much to my surprise. And then I went to seminary, and loved that too, although I didn't love the 4 hour commute from GA to SC.

So...

What do those around you, who know you, who love you, who are spiritually mature, say about what they think you should be doing? What do you see are your gifts and graces? What do others see? If you haven't asked, ask. God often speaks through them, as well as your own preferences.

Answer the questions for me if you get a chance, and spend some more time thinking and praying about all the different angles you have in your situation. As for pushing God away, I'm not sure you could do that, Kiersten. You can walk off or choose to ignore Him. You can even be in the same room without making eye-contact, as I've often done during very painful times, but pushing Him away? Nah. I don't think so.

Still voting for you, Kiersten. (and Pedro too.) Got any boon-doggle keychains?

First of all let me say "mama lucy" that was wrong to put that as a title!! lol!! u knew i'd read if i saw something about desperate housewives now didn't u! kiersten, wow!! i don't know what to say.

I know i haven't been in the military or plan to go into the military but i totally and i mean totally know what u mean when u said that the closer u felt u were getting to god the farther away he seemed. i'm dealing with that right now too! you're not alone. i do support you emotionally with what your doing. i know i've raised question about safety but that's just the human part of me. I want u to do what God wants u to do and i want u to be happy. and guess what?? i want to travel the world too. i was just thinking the other day how cool it would be to travel to different countries and actually tell people about jesus who have never even heard his name or nicole's music!! Lucy's got some good words of advice/encouragement for ya. I'll be praying for u girl. if u need anything at all u got my numbers and my addresses!! i'm here for u and i love ya!!

Whew my eyes hurt. But some very good reading.

Oh Meg, you're so cute...

Cece, I loved your first installment of the conference. Try some Visine.

Kiersten, the clothes are washing so here are a few comments.

After reading your thoughtful and honest post which I really appreciate, I have to say that I don't think you're running to or from, but rather, you're going in a circle. You need more information than what you currently are working with at this time.

First of all, if you want to go to college, there's money for you. There's so much money available through scholarships, (even less-than stellar students can get scholarships) loans and grants, that there's just no excuse for not looking into these things. The loans are not based upon anything other than financial need and educational expenses which are determined by family income, # of dependents, etc. There's lots of forms to fill out, but most of it can now be done online. Get thyself to http://www.fafsa.ed.gov. as quickly as you can.

Secondly, having sat beside quite a few people on their deathbeds now, I can assure you none of them are thinking -and neither will you 60 plus years from now- "I should never have spent 4 years in the military, frittering away my time in Germany, doing those dang grass drills! People on their deathbeds are thinking about their children, grandchildren, family, if they've prepared well to leave them behind, and if they're ready to go on to the next destination in the journey and meet the Lord. You make it harder than it needs to be when back yourself into a spiritual corner with this type of thinking because then everything you do becomes two-dimensional and either/or. If you view everything in these terms you'll never do anything because you won't be able to figure out exactly what will meet God's standard and then you'll wake up and realize your life nightmare is that commercial where everything on the menu is Honey Nut Cheerios, except, everything on your menu will be defective, because everything on the planet Earth is defective. It's not just that you're a perfectionist, you're also an idealist, and those two seem to always show up at life's little rites of passage, together. This is okay! Great men and women, the movers and shakers are usually one or both of those two things. But balance the perfectionism and idealism with some reality and humility. God's kingdom is without end. It's been around, the Church has been around for several thousand years and will continue to be around long after you and I are having plastic poinsettas stuck in the ground above us. You are, a link in the chain. No more, no less, same as everyone who has furthered God's kingdom before you, and those who will further God's kingdom after you're gone. So give yourself a break on feeling so pressured to make the absolute "right choice, right now." Allow ambition and desire to propel you, not control you. Ditto on the perfectionism and idealism.

Thirdly, in terms of your "passion," I would strongly encourage you to look into some of the newer music programs that are geared towards contemporary music and production at some nearby colleges. More and more of these programs are being added to the more traditional music degree setting, with great success. Some of these universities are even adding songwriting to the curriculum offered. Songwriting in addition to basic theory and composition in the traditional sense. The college here, added a music technology program to its Bachelor of Arts degree in Music several years ago and even in this little town, they've got a full blown, state-of-the-art recording studio those students are working in, day and night. My husband, as I've mentioned, teaches as an adjunct now at the college and runs a retail music store. He's had a steady stream of those music tech. majors working in his store since it opened. They keep the Martin guitars tuned because they're always playing them while they're at work!

Fourthly, hear the good news. Do you realize, as young as you are, you can in fact do both? You can have a comfortable situation as a high speed MI, and cultivate your passion for music at the same time? They're not at odds with each other and you'll find plenty of places in the military to share your gifts and talents. You'll also meet other, very talented people who want to do the same thing! Within your own platoon even, I'll bet money there will be two or three you can hang with, jam with, write with, sing with, and as there will be many varied styles of chapel services, you'll never be at a loss for some place to share your talents.

Finally, I want to leave you with something my husband said to me when he was not my husband but was in fact, "Peter Parker" (that's Spiderman, Cece) trying very hard to date me and I was very resistant, because in addition to being something like, "Bridget Jones," I wasn't sure he was "the right one," and didn't want to make a mistake with my future, and ruin what blessings God had for me and all the work I might someday do, because after all, the fate of Christianity might rest upon me, etc. I realize this sounds retarded, but seriously on some level, I was thought something like that because I was young and everything was just huge and of eternal significance to me. It was so huge, that at 27, I gave myself an ulcer. During a discussion on trying to figure out God's will, he very quietly said while fanning steam off our fajitas at a Mexican restaurant, "Sometimes you find God's will just by going through doors that are already open instead of trying to figure out how to open doors that are presently closed."

Of course he may have said that trying to press home the idea that his steady attempts to prove the sincerity of his affection for me was the "open door" he thought I should go through!

* husband comes in and looks over my shoulder at this post and smiles because all of Kiersten's angst looks familiar to him. He says, "Speaking of open doors, I got a phone call today from....asking if we would...and I said yes..." *

Kiersten, do some further thinking and searching and give yourself plenty of room to explore all of your options, which, at your age, are innumerable. There is no one "right," or unique way for you to honor God in your life, with your life, but in fact, many strange and wonderful ways you will discover you can share Him with others for as long as you live. The biggest challenge is learning to be always open and ready to do that when the occasion calls for it.

Clothes are dry again...

Ok Lucie, I do know who Peter Parker is. See I am not so far away from tv cartoon reality.

All I want to say is, when the book first hit the shelves and you are signing them, My name is CeCeNicole and I want to be first in line, LOL.

I love reading your posts, don't have nothing to do with me personally, but true life accounts have always fasinated me.

i'm with cece on this one!! i love reading personal testimonies. not to be nosy but can teach you things that u never thought u needed to know. by the way... i think it's great that your putting yourself out there for kiersten and all of us. Thanks lucie!! oh by the way... i'm a perfectionist too!!

Oh Cece, you're too funny!

I'm so glad you have indulged in enough "cartoon reality" to recognize Spiderman. We tease my husband by calling him, "Peter Parker," because he actually does look somewhat like Tobey Maguire. Beyond the rather prominent dimple in his chin -a dominant genetic trait by the way which all four of our children have- the shape of his mouth and the blue eyes, he possesses that same Peter-Parker-ish "do good," Eagle-scout, sincere, squareness, keen resourcefulness and lack of attention to fashion. He's the kind of person who doesn't even think cuss words, "because it just wouldn't be right." And he's very good at math, and a terrific musician, Chet Baker without heroin.

He can't spell, though...

If I ever complete a book, you won't have to be first in line. I'll mail it to you!

Real stories are the best, I believe. How the Lord has worked in your life may not be what he does in mine, but the swapping can be so uplifting.

Good morning, Meg!

How are you feeling?

Hi Kiersten,

You didn't sound "stuck-up." What you're going through is so very, very normal. A year ago I sat in a church administration class in seminary with numerous men and women who were really suffering in some way in their pastoral positions -low salary was killing them financially, mean church members were harassing them and driving them crazy, marriages were falling apart- yet they didn't think they could take a break from ministry or do something different, because "God called me...and I can't let God down." Now that's pressure. Perfectionism and idealism run amuck.

It's always a neat thing to stick on a cute refrigerator magnet and I'm sure in many ways, it's true, but too often we take the, "There's something in the world God has destined me to do and if I don't do it, it won't get done," to an unhealthy extreme.

*resisting the temptation to quote Buzz Lightyear in his diatribe about being a space ranger protecting the galaxy from the evil, Emperor Zurg.*

Does God need us? Does God need our help? Well, yes and no. I think the Lord is rather extravagant in His patience because He has to help us help Him, the same way I have to help my 7-year-old when he wants to cook dinner, "by myself," for the family.

You just chill. Keep your eyes and ears open, listen to those who are older and wiser but at the same time, just listen, period. The Lord can speak to you through so many people, so many experiences, some highly unlikely, even. And do your own leg-work exploring your options and use your perfectionism to help you do it thoroughly.

As I thought about it more last night, I even more strongly feel that your choices of military and music (i.e. security vs passion) would not be at odds and will bring you more possibilities than you can imagine. Have you ever worshipped in the field with a bunch of sweaty, smelly soldiers who are
so tired, hungry and homesick for something soothing that they weep at the sound of a single voice singing with or without any accompaniment? I have. Your opportunities to worship and minister to others through music even during basic training, will far exceed what you're expecting or imagining and will mean a great deal to those who are in need around you. You can hone your craft and still have some job security if that's what you choose to do, and of course, through God's providence, who knows what doors might open?

Dream big, aim high, stay grounded and don't worry. No matter what you do, God will be with you and bless you in ways you've never thought of before. Oh, if we could all see how our stories are unfolding, we try so hard to control the direction of the plot, and miss the chance to walk by faith.

Keep us updated on all your doings and we'll continue to lift you up in prayers.

I'm not frustrated with you. I'm frustrated that my house seems to perpetually be a landfill, but that's about it!

Before I give the boring, and various interpretations of "free will," tell me what it is you're thinking specifically? What I mean is, what questions are specifically rolling around in your head during the day regarding your specific situation that are tearing you out of your frame as you try to figure this out? And if you don't mind, could you tell me what denominational (even if it's nondenominational) church you're coming from? Different churches view free will differently and teach it differently from the pulpit.

And Kiersten, let me say that it's a real privilege for me to discuss this stuff with you. I don't have all the answers, maybe none at all, but a lot of folks struggle with the same issues and you may not realize how you are helping another work out some of the same questions.

Applauds Kiersten! Clap Clap! You can visualize who did that last and you will get the mental image.

Love Ya.

What's up my online mom?? how u doing lucie?? kiersten i'm sorry to hear about the hard time your going through right now. i'm gonna tell u something that my pastor told us. "Jesus is more interested in developing your character than he is in calming the storm." when i heard this at first i was like 'u mean to tell me i'm going through this situation just for character?? come on now it's not worth that. looking back now it is though b/c your character will take u through the obstacles in your life and you will be better prepared to handle them. do u kinda understand what i'm saying?? ok here's another one: "the storm won't sink you unless it gets in you. if the storms in u then you'll sink.' even if you are sinking which i don't know u have people like me and lucy standing waiting to give u a life jacket and jesus is right there with us girl. i'm in the same boat u r. i don't know what i want to do with my life either. i just take it a day at a time. it is harder for us perfectionists to do that b/c we want to know what's going to happen every minute of every day. but we can't all we can do is hope and pray for the best. i'm praying for u girl and i love ya.

p.s.
cece how u doing girl?? shoot me an email sometime!! it's lilchatterbox139@msn.com talk at ya'll later!!

Hi Kiersten et al...

Tonight it's not clothes, it's my 7 year old. He's got a 102 fever and a bad cough. I've been up with him so off to the doctor we go in a few hours.

You've got several issues swirling around in your previous post so I'm going to tackle what I see, one issue at a time, and probably one issue per post, if that's okay.

Kiersten, first of all, thank you so much for sharing where you've been. I'm sure that wasn't easy, especially since it's difficult to explain, can easily be misunderstood by others and has caused you and your family some genuine hurt and upheaval. If I ever ask anything that you just don't want to answer, please don't hesitate to say so.

*Now sneaking the last Tootsie Roll -well, the chocolate one anyway, can't deal with those lime TRs- out of my 3-year-old's "Fall Fun Day" bag. Maybe he won't notice in the morning since he prefers the Laffy Taffy and the Hershey's Kisses w/caramel. I left his Three Musketeer's alone.* (I'm talking candy Cece!)

Your post brought more sharply into focus for me, how much you need, I believe, to have what's going on in your life, make sense, be solid ground for you to put your foot upon, and be a good check you can cash. It's not a matter of what you want, and you're not being silly or unreasonable, you need this, your entire being is crying out for it. You've experienced a lot of chaos, and have gone from a church setting where people were hunting down the no-shows, to a situation where probably no one keeps score, although they notice and miss you when you're not there. I would imagine this has set up within you, a lot of fear, mistrust, and vague uncertainty whether you realize it or not and it keeps you from really being able to relax anywhere, as of yet. It will come, but it may always be somewhat challenging for you to, "rest in the Lord," so to speak because you've experienced what vast amounts of us, have not experienced. You need some genuine healing time, and, I believe, some experiences that will enable you to allow the Lord to demonstrate that He's not all about "transactions," i.e. you do this/He does that, if you know what I mean. This is one reason, I believe, why you're struggling so painfully with the "right" decision.

While you're a Christian and you're in a newer church environment where you're able to begin experiencing (I hope) the love and kindness and peace of Christ, it's simply going to take you awhile to shake off some of those earlier, more rigid ideas about God. I can see very clearly why much of Nicole's music, which brings with it a message of hope, acceptance, grace and peace, is so meaningful to you at this particular time.

The good news is that again, you're not alone in this. Most of us come into genuine faith with ideas, even non-ideas formed in childhood about God that need to be tranformed and "unlearned," later on. It's not unusual, in fact quite common, to, on some level, associate our feelings and experiences with our familiar fathers, with God, our, "other father."

My father, for example, was an excellent provider in terms of home and financial issues, but there was not much hugging, he had a horrible, unpredictable temper and a stressful job so when he was home, the family walked around on eggs all the time. I'm talking, it was so tense in our house you could crumble crackers in your soup and off he went on a rampage. There was not much communication unless he was issuing a command or correction, and because my brother and sister were in college by the time I got to elementary school and my mother spent her time trying to keep my father calm, I felt just desperately alone in my own house with my parents. Because of these experiences, with my own children, I have tried very hard, probably over-compensating to make "home," safe, comfortable, warm, loving, accepting, inviting, fun and be an available, communicative, affectionate, emotionally involved parent.

When I became a Christian,(for real) in my early 20s I so gratefully embraced the way I was accepted unconditionally by the Lord, it was such a huge relief, yet it took me several years to understand in practice, how approachable the Lord truly was and is, (as well as a fantastic dream that popped it into focus) to begin to grasp that God really wasn't like my father. He didn't simply write checks while reminding me how disappointng I was and then shut down and move on. Yet even now, with all the education I've had, the training, the experiences and just the shifts in perception that developed naturally as I've gotten older, and matured, I still have to watch that I, when under stress, don't slip back to my default position of not being "good enough" for God, or anyone, to love.

You spoke of wishing God would fax you a note with your instructions all laid out, as well as mentioning that in the Bible, the Old Testament in particular, God told people what they were supposed to do and wasn't hesitant or non-specific about it. This is true. It is also true that there were other times when God was less clear. There are even, in the Old Testament, books, like Esther and Ruth, where God doesn't seem to show up at all, not overtly anyway, although it's clear in both examples, that God is very much at work behind the scenes and working through providence and preference.

In your case, though, I suspect the Lord is not giving you the clarity you seek because He's trying to teach you that you do have a say, your preferences, your feelings, your wishes, your frailties, they matter to Him because He loves you and genuinely likes you, to boot. He's not going to force you to do one thing or another, and never will. Your "free will," truly is a gift and you can say, "Nope. I'll pass on this one," if you want to or need to for reasons known only to you and Him.

When I was a kid, I used to spend the night with a girl who's mother poured only milk to drink for the whole family at dinner. Everybody got milk. That was it. No discussion.

The problem was, I was allergic to milk, and didn't really like it on top of that and a bigger problem was that she never asked me if I wanted milk or not and I was too scared to tell her I didn't want it. So I spent a lot of time being very thirsty at this girl's house. Do you think God is like this woman? Pouring you milk without asking first? Of course not. And do you think God wants you to be like me? Too afraid of making him angry by saying you're allergic to milk and don't really like it?

No. God is a good host. He says, "Kiersten, I have Milk, Tea, Diet Coke, Sprite, Water, Coffee, Decaf and couple of Dr.Peppers, if memory serves. Which one would you like?"

By offering you a choice, and by you learning to be comfortable with having a choice, trust develops and a precedent is set for your future. There will come other moments in your life when you will need and welcome the choices God will offer you. Also, becoming comfortable with that type of intimacy now, will greatly help and enhance your ability to make good choices with what's offered, as you grow.

One of my favorite scriptures is Hosea 3:14 - 23, for it reminds me of what I have experienced and what I so badly needed and received, tenderness and safety.

You think about that some and we'll chat more later. Time to give that 2nd dose of cough medicine...