I HAVE A 16 YEAR OLD WHO DOES NOT GO TO CHURCH HARDLY. I AM WORRIED ABOUT THIS. AND THIS HAPPENED WHEN SHE BECAME PART OF THE YOUTH GROUP AT OUR CHURCH. SHE IS VERY QUIET AND NOT OUTGOING. I DID NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM WITH MY OTHER DAUGHTER. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. SOME OF THE KIDS AT OUR CHURCH THINKS THEY ARE BETTER THAN HER AND THEY DO NOT TALK TO HER. SO SHE FIGURES WHY GO TO CHURCH IF THIS IS WHAT GOING TO CHURCH IS ALL ABOUT. PLEASE HELP ME WITH THIS PROBLEM BECAUSE I CRY OVER THIS. I DO PRAY FOR HER WHEN I PRAY AT NIGHT. THANKS

So sorry to hear about your daughter's troubles. There are several ways you could approach this situation:

1. If your church is large enough to support several staff members, talk to the senior pastor and explain what has happened and how it's affecting your daughter. Most likely the pastor would set up a conference/discussion
-that may or may not initially include your daughter- with the person in charge of youth to see how this could be worked through to the comfort and satisfaction of all concerned.

2. If your daughter has confided the names of the people who have made her feel uncomfortable, you could go directly to their parents and discuss the problem with them. I'd personally not recommend this option unless you're close friends with these parents, but suggest a variation of it by allowing your pastor/youth pastor meet with these other kids and/or their parents and come up with a workable plan to establish a better relationship with your daughter if she feels comfortable doing that.

3. You could (not saying you should but it's always an option and sometimes a good one to investigate) visit some other churches and youth programs to see if there might be somewhere else your daughter felt more comfortable and would enjoy going. I saw this technique in action a few years ago when the teenage daughter of a Methodist district superintendent in my area felt uncomfortable with the youth at the large UM church where it was "expected" she attend. Instead, she wanted to go to the Baptist church up the street where her friends were. Her parents decided not to freak out and let her do it. The results were positive in that the girl knew she wasn't forced to be somewhere she didn't feel comfortable, and her whole future perspective on "church" wasn't ruined. Who are your daughter's friends? Do they attend church? Where?

4. Being more than a bit of an avoider of confrontations myself, I have to watch my tendency to encourage my children to withdraw from conflicts with others when they arise. It's so hard for me to be assertive but I have to ask myself, do I really want my children to be as timid about these things as I sometimes am and can be? You have to -based upon the history, personality, general countenance of your daughter- weigh out how much she can and should be encouraged to meet her difficult situations head on. In the adult world "difficult" people and situations will be all around her. What will she do if she works somewhere that she doesn't fit in or feels others are looking down on her? Will she back away from it and find another place of employment or work through the rejection to her own positive gain? This is a time when she is forming habits and behaviors that she will carry with her into adulthood. Think carefully about how you want to prepare her.

5. Above all, I'd strongly encourage you to not push too hard. Her experience with church is strongly tied with her developing feelings about God and her feelings about herself. If people are unkind and aloof, that can easily (and usually does) translate in her mind, to God being the same way, feeling the same way towards her. In the end, her faith, in whatever measure, needs to become hers authentically. Sometimes the place for that to develop is through the negative junk that happens to us. Sometimes it takes awhile. Kids aren't always on our timetable for life.

And finally, keep praying, try not to cry, and don't give up. Sometimes the timing of others or what seems to be the back-peddling of teenagers away from Christ and the Church, is actually leading to other, very different and uniquely meaningful experiences with Him later on. In addition to figuring out how you want to guide her in a way that doesn't threaten or scare her away from church completely, you also want to provide enough room for her to do things in her own time.

If you can find something in here to use then great. We'll pray for you and her asking that you find a good resolution to a common yet never painless problem.

Hope and Blessings,
Lucie Manette